The writing process isn't an easy one for me (at least when I'm sober). It requires a lot of sitting and staring into empty space, a huge chunk of motivation, and a ridiculous amount of willpower. I know the willpower things seems weird; after all, I like to write, so why is willpower involved?
Well, the answer is simple. I have about a dozen OCD-like tendencies I need to hammer down if I want to be able to sit down and write, regardless of how, what or where I'm writing. Every paragraph is like a battle with my own brain, not to mention the internal struggle of what to do with it when I'm done.
For starters, I have a mild (read: massive) obsession with efficiency. Efficiency translates different to me than others, however; most people--well, ok, most Americans--see efficiency as the least amount of effort in order to accomplish a task. In most situations, I see it as the most direct or least-time-consuming way of accomplishing something, regardless of how much effort it will take. There's a reason why I refuse to wait on parking spaces and will park WAY down the aisle if there's already a space open, as opposed to the asshole who will block 30 other people to get the space right next to the handicap spot, and it's definitely not because I'm considerate or nice.
Now internally, that takes a bigger twist. Not only do I prefer to do things in ways that use less time, I also feel the need to make the most effective use of every moment. Effective being a very relative term, of course; I don't want to necessarily get things done, but when I'm not getting things done, I should be relaxing, enjoying myself, calming my nerves or otherwise keeping entertained. Staring off into space attempting to brainstorm something out of nothing riddles me with guilt, as it feels like I could be making more effective use of my time, since nothing comes from it for a long period of time. Also invoking guilt for bad-use-of-time: rereading my own work, writing on anything in any format that is slower than 60 wpm (i.e., not a desktop computer, e.g. paper, tablets, phone), smoke breaks during writers blocks.
Oh, hold up a second. Have I explained that yet? That the vast majority of my OCD-like tendencies stem from deep rooted guilt that I have no control over? Yeah, that is AWESOME. I hate my brain sometimes. I mean, I say "OCD-like tendencies" because I feel guilty trying to say I have OCD when I don't have a degree. Hell, I feel guilty posting about getting shit done because I feel like I don't have the authority to tell people to do shit. To be honest, if this gets posted, I'm going to be amazed.
So that's my first internal hurdle to get over. To be honest, I'm writing about this right now because I couldn't come up with something else to write about and I started to feel bad about wasting time thinking about it. So blame having read this far on... well, everything explained so far. Holy crap, I think I just made my own brain implode.
The next hurdle I normally have to deal with is the whole perfectionist bent. I will correct every friggin' grammar and spelling mistake (except friggin', I love that non-word) as I go, assuming I notice it. Should I use parentheses to much, like this, in a paragraph, I must go and find another way to write that sentence before I can even finish the sentence I'm on. I did it just then. Seriously. Only because I thought the joke would be funnier if I didn't use a second parenthetical, but still. I can't stop it.
Finally, there's the defeatist bent. I'm constantly under the impression that most of the stuff I do in writing, or pretty much anything creative for that matter, gets me nothing and nowhere. I couldn't really explain why; I've had fairly consistent positive feedback, and at least a few writings have actually (supposedly) helped people out. Crap, see what I did there? I went back and put in "supposedly" after I finished the sentence. I can't beat the attitude out of me with a stick.
The good thing is, that is the point of these exercises. One of the things I'm slowly teaching myself is that writing is slowly becoming something I do for me, and not with this grand idea of necessarily doing something with it in the future. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to do something with one of my stories, or maybe a collection of the shorter works, sometime in the future. The thing is, I need to convince me that doing so is not my reason or motivation, just a pleasant side effect should I succeed sometime down the line.
Almost ten years ago, I hit a real low point in my life. I had hurt a few people that were really close to me, and I was unsure why. I had driven away some people that were having a negative effect on who I was, or at least who I wanted to be. It wasn't anything against them; they've each gone on and made someone else very happy with who they are, and in turn have become happier with themselves than they were with me. My problem was that I didn't understand my reasoning as to why I felt I had the right to cut people out of my life, to pick and choose my friends when it wasn't exactly an easy task to make new friends to begin with. I was more alone than I had been in a long time, and I only had myself to blame.
It was REALLY easy to get depressed. But getting depressed makes me feel guilty, because it's an enormous waste of time. So I did something about it: I started "dating myself." I went out to movies, took myself out to a nice dinner, went and did some touristy shit in Gatlinburg. Mostly, I just showed me that I'm cool to hang out with, and that I have every right to put actual, conscious effort into who I want to be friends with, and not just accept every person who ever nice to me, regardless of how they treat me or change me.
See? Sometimes the crazy works out for the best.
Anyway, it's that same principle I'm applying now. Typing this out actually has made me feel a little better; it's an expression of me that I don't do very often, mostly because I'm often uncomfortable talking about myself in much depth in person. When I do creative writing, especially when it's work or chapter or whatever I finish, I get a feeling of accomplishment; it's also why I set some goals for myself, to help facilitate that feeling. If I can keep that up, and establish in my head the benefit of everything I do here and on my other writing projects, I hope to eventually start writing without having to beat my own conscious brain down with willpower. Or liquor; that's worked quite well in the past too.
I just fixed the word "want" three paragraphs ago because I decided I wanted to be italicized instead of bold. I really think I have a problem.
Maybe I should just start drinking 30 minutes before I want to start writing. I'm too sober for this shit.
P.S. I think I've actually managed to actually write an entire rant that addresses the audience directly without using the pronoun "you" to refer to the audience. I know that seems so small, especially to people who normally write from the first person perspective, but I feel super accomplished right now, so shut up, you.
... I did it just then, didn't I? Sunavabitch.
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